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Baby Shower Q&A:  Etiquette
Complex or Broken Relationships

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Q:
Is it ok to write in the invitation "please don't purchase anything with 'daddy' on it". I'm hosting a shower for a close friend and her ex wants nothing to do with the baby. Therefore she'll be a happy single mom. She asked that this be mentioned in the baby shower invitations. Is there a proper way to say it?   Thank you.

A:
That is a tricky question that you have given me. It can be difficult to let people know that mom will be a 'single mom'. Those who are close to her won't have to be told, but distant relatives may not be aware of the fact. I would simply put it in the invitation in a poem. Something like:

(Mom's name) is feeling very blessed,
Because a little baby is quickly on his (or her) way.
The time she spends feeling baby move,
Makes her look forward to a day when she can hold him (or her) in her arms.
That will be the day, when mommy will become,
More than just a you and a family of two, but a mom.

Usually, you can stress the point by simply wording her invitation as a 'family of two' or 'mom and baby' will create a new family. By stressing the absence of daddy on the card, you should be able to let everyone know.

We'd love to see you
Come and help us celebrate,
Our happy family of two

Q:
My friend will be a single parent when her baby is born since the father has expressed unwillingness at being a part of the baby’s life.  Should I invite his family to the shower given his feelings over everything?

A:
This is a very tough question and is something that really needs to be discussed with the expectant mom and the father’s family.  If they want to be part of the baby’s life regardless of how the father feels, I would suggest inviting them.  If they feel the same way as the father, avoid inviting them.  Regardless about how they feel, if the expectant mother does not want them there, then they should be kept off the guest list.

Q:
My brother is not with his girlfriend anymore but she is expecting his baby in the next few weeks.  Is it appropriate to throw her a shower or should I avoid the situation?

A:
This is a tricky one, and it really comes down to the relationship that you will have with the mother and baby after baby arrives.  If your brother does not plan to be involved with the baby and your family is backing him on this, then I would suggest that you avoid throwing the shower. If your brother will be involved and your family will also stay connected with mom and baby, then feel free to throw a baby shower for the expectant mom.  It is important to be sure of how your family will be reacting to the baby and mom and to not throw a shower if you have no intentions of having a relationship with mom and baby after the baby arrives since having one can give the impression that you support the mom to be.  I would recommend that instead of hosting a shower, you should let the mom to be or her family know that you would love to attend a baby shower if one is thrown.  This way you won’t be in the middle of a separation and you can still be supportive and caring.

Q:
My Daughter is pregnant with her first child and my daughter and the father of the baby are in an 'on and off' relationship. They do not live together, each living with their respective parents. I threw a baby shower for her and invited the Father and his family, who all came and brought gifts for my daughter. I gifted my Daughter with a nursing chair and baby bassinet to help her complete the baby's nursery which I also purchased items for and helped her set up. I just received an invitation from a family member of the baby's father - they are throwing a shower for him and have invited us. It seems rude to decline but I have a question regarding a gift.

At this point I feel that I have met my obligation to this child and do not feel that a gift to him is necessary but I don't want to appear rude. My husband says we should just take a small gift. What is the right thing to do? Would he and his family expect us to bring a gift and would they expect it to be large as the Grandparents? The handwritten invitation said that he was not registered anywhere but needed everything.

A:
Congratulations on becoming a grandparent and I think that the gift you chose for your daughter is a wonderful one. To answer your question, usually, a grandparent doesn't have to give a gift if they have already given a larger gift before the shower. However, many grandparents will give a shower gift simply to be a part of the shower. In your situation, it is slightly different, as the dad needs items when the baby will be at his home. For that reason, I would recommend bringing a small gift for the baby. No one should expect it to be as large or extravagant as the gift your daughter received, but something small should be given. One thing that I would stress is that if the dad plans to be an active figure in the child's life, then you will be spending many holidays and events with him. Start it off on the right foot by participating in his shower.

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