Actually, most of the links to the left pertain to etiquette in one way or another so we have categorized your questions there for easier surfing. If you have a question that is related to any of these categories, please check there first before sending a new question.
Below are additional etiquette questions that didn't quite fit into the other categories:
Q:
Is it common to have a baby shower for the second baby? In our
native tradition we honor each new life, but a family member who
does not follow our way suggested it would be inappropriate to have a
shower for the second child. She said that is common with American
Culture. Is this true?
A:
Traditionally, yes, it is true that showers were not given for second or subsequent babies but we are a progressive society so progress has been made in celebrating all children regardless of birth order. Sometimes people may call them Baby Sprinkles instead, and it usually involves a 'sprinkling' of light gifts and wisdom on the mom to be. Everyone wants to feel special and knowing that they can fill their child’s baby book up with memories from their shower is just as important with the second child as the first.
On a side note, I would suggest explaining your reasons behind celebrating each life and tell the family member that you understand where she is coming from and it is fine if she would like to skip the festivities. I have found that baby showers can sometimes be much like weddings - filled with all the same family problems.
Good luck and please share some of the traditional native celebrations that you have, we are always interested in learning new (or old) ways to create a perfect shower.
Q:
Is it traditional to have a diaper party if you have already had a baby shower for your first child? I am not sure of the proper etiquette.
A:
Traditionally, baby showers were given for first children only but we have moved past such a rigid way of thinking and have moved into celebrating all babies as they enter the world. There is nothing saying that you can’t have a diaper party, of any size and if you want to go with a smaller shower, it is very common to host a Sprinkle for a second or third child and you can use any theme for that. For more information on Sprinkles, read this article.
Q:
Is it appropriate to host your own shower?
A:
Traditionally, showers have been thrown for the expectant mother but most people are not traditional by any means. If you don’t have anyone offering to host a shower for you, (make sure there are no surprise showers happening) then by all means, host a shower for yourself. No one is going to think twice about it and if they do well, they don’t have to come. You could word the invitation that you want to celebrate your baby with the people you love before the big day. I would suggest keeping the baby shower small and maybe cutting back on some of the planning so that you don’t overstress yourself. Just enjoy your pregnancy and also enjoy the shower that you are planning.
Q:
Who should host the baby shower? Does it have to be a family member?
A:
Anyone can host a baby shower. I have seen showers hosted by grandmothers, siblings, friends and even the fourth cousin once removed. Basically, it comes down to who wants to do it and who has the time, space and funds to plan and implement the shower. Don’t hesitate to throw a shower if you are not a close family member but make sure you check with the immediate family to make certain that they haven’t made any plans themselves. If they ask you to host the shower, then don’t worry about anything...well, except actually planning the baby shower but thankfully we are here to help :-) For more detailed information on who should host.
Q:
Is it considered selfish to have more than one shower?
A:
No not at all, especially if you are having several showers with different guests. I know that many women will have a shower with immediate family and close friends, another for distant family and friends and a third that is held by their coworkers. There may be guests that overlap and they may attend several showers but you should stress to them that they do not have to bring a gift to each shower. As to being selfish, you are going to be a mother for the rest of your life, that pretty well means that you have a good 18 years or more of being selfless so take a few moments and enjoy being spoiled.
Q:
I am hosting a baby shower for a friend and she has been very pushy about all the little details of the shower. I am beginning to feel like she is planning it and I am merely paying for it and doing all the grunt work. Is there a way to tell her to lay off and let me plan it?
A:
That is a good question and the answer depends on what type of person your friend is and how strong those pregnancy hormones are. I would suggest dropping subtle hints about how you would like to plan the shower alone. If she isn’t getting the hint, tell her openly how you would like to have some elements of the shower as a surprise. If she doesn’t listen to your requests, all I can suggest is to simply bear with it and maybe plan something on the side that she isn’t aware of. There is nothing stopping you from sliding a note into the invitations when she isn’t looking that might alert guests to a little extra something. Above all, don’t worry too much. More than likely, you friend is just anxious about having a baby and wants everything to be perfect.
Q:
Is it okay to throw a baby shower for two women at once?
A:
If the two women know each other and are close friends, I would say that yes, it is okay. If it is possible to throw the shower separate, then I would suggest doing that since a baby shower is a very special time for a new parent. However, if the moms to be have no problem sharing the celebration and all the same guests would be invited to both of them, by all means throw a baby shower for two.
Q:
A few months ago, a close family member passed away and I’m wondering if it is appropriate to throw a shower for my sister so soon after a death in the family. Should we not have a shower?
A:
I’m sorry for your loss. Grieving for a family member or friend is a very difficult time and it can take a while before people actually feel ready to celebrate anything but I don’t think that you should miss having a shower for your sister. I have found from personal experience that celebrating a new life can help people forget their grief, if only for a moment and it can remind them that life continues on and there is much to celebrate. Try to have a low-key shower where people can not only celebrate the new life but also honor the life that was lost.
Q:
I am hosting a baby shower for the daughter of a friend. I am about to ‘date’ myself, but my question is in regard to a corsage. I personally do not like them, but should I have one for the mom and grandmother to be??? If not, is there something else that is done to honor them?
The type of shower is going to be a luncheon or a come and go buffet. The gifts will be displayed.
Thank you for your help with this question. -Kathryn
A:
You are by no means ‘dating yourself’ with your question. Corsages are still a very common practice and you can use them or not. If you want to stick with the traditional corsage but don’t want the huge monstrosity perched on the chest of the new mom and grandmother, then I would suggest using a small wrist corsage or possibly using a boutonniere since they are very simple and, thankfully, small. Yes, I know that they are for men but you can order one that is feminine with a sprig of jasmine and a single carnation; the symbol of mother’s love.
If you want to steer clear of the whole corsage option, there are many ribbons and medals out there that say things like “New Mom” or “World’s Greatest Grandmother”. These are nice and compact and have the added bonus of being flat, which is great for sticking in a scrapbook.
Another alternative is to purchase a t-shirt for the mom-to-be or grandmother. At one shower I attended, the expectant mother wore a t-shirt stating how many months she was and there are many shirts stating, “Baby on board,” “Grandma’s soon to be sweetheart is safe within,” and so on. For a fun twist to the shirts, you could have custom aprons made for Grandma and Mom that list out all the tasks they will soon be doing in their new careers. This can be a great gift and every mom and grandmother will enjoy using them when they get the aprons home.
I hope this helps and that you find the best way to honor both the mom and the grandmother. All the best with your shower to come.
Q:
My friend is a “mature” first time mom and I am wondering if maybe she is too old to have a baby shower thrown for her.
A:
Even if your friend was 100, she isn’t too old to have a baby shower...well, okay, maybe a 100 is too old but that has more to do with being physically able to have children and less to do with whether the party would be appropriate. Remember that you are celebrating a baby and it doesn’t matter if that baby comes at 20, 30 or even 50. You may find that gifts might be different since many “mature” moms have more funds to purchase everything they would like, but of course this might not be the case. A Spa Shower is a great idea here if the mom already has everything she needs. Simply enjoy the shower and celebrate the new life.
Q:
How do you treat step mothers? Should you give them a corsage and treat them like a grandmother or should they be treated like a regular guest?
A:
If the step mother and the mother to be aren’t that close, then I would just treat them like a regular guest but if they have a strong relationship and are like mother and daughter in many ways, then I would treat her like another grandmother. Remember that all these people will fill the life of the new baby with love so there is no harm in including someone who will be acting as a step grandmother with the full respect you would give a grandmother.
Q:
My friend will be a single parent when her baby is born since the father has expressed unwillingness at being a part of the baby’s life. Should I invite his family to the shower given his feelings over everything?
A:
This is a very tough question and is something that really needs to be discussed with the expectant mom and the father’s family. If they want to be part of the baby’s life regardless of how the father feels, I would suggest inviting them. If they feel the same way as the father, avoid inviting them. Regardless about how they feel, if the expectant mother does not want them there, then they should be kept off the guest list.
Q:
My brother is not with his girlfriend anymore but she is expecting his baby in the next few weeks. Is it appropriate to throw her a shower or should I avoid the situation?
A:
This is a tricky one, and it really comes down to the relationship that you will have with the mother and baby after baby arrives. If your brother does not plan to be involved with the baby and your family is backing him on this, then I would suggest that you avoid throwing the shower. If your brother will be involved and your family will also stay connected with mom and baby, then feel free to throw a baby shower for the expectant mom. It is important to be sure of how your family will be reacting to the baby and mom and to not throw a shower if you have no intentions of having a relationship with mom and baby after the baby arrives since having one can give the impression that you support the mom to be. I would recommend that instead of hosting a shower, you should let the mom to be or her family know that you would love to attend a baby shower if one is thrown. This way you won’t be in the middle of a separation and you can still be supportive and caring.
Q:
My daughter is expectant with my first grandchild....Woo Hoo!!!!! ;-) My question is this - Should the Grandma-to-be attend every baby shower (if invited of course...)? My oldest daughter is asking me if I want to be included in the "co-workers" baby shower being thrown for my pregnant daughter.... Should I only attend the "family baby shower"? Or should I attend any thrown where I'm invited? What is appropriate? Thank you for your help! -Karen
A:
Congratulations on becoming a new grandmother and thank you for coming to www.baby-shower.com! The answer to your question really depends on the number of showers and the type of showers that are being thrown.
Generally, a Grandma-to-be will attend most, if not all, of the showers. If she is unable to attend one, an invitation should still be sent to her simply for etiquette reasons. If you are uncomfortable with attending some showers, I would recommend that you talk to your daughter about it and ask her what showers she would like you to attend. Chances are she will say all of them but then again, there may be a few showers where it is not imperative that you attend.
That being said, the one exception to the rule is a co-worker's shower. Since the invite list is usually limited to those who work with your daughter, it is not necessary for a grandma-to-be to attend that one and usually you wouldn't.
If your daughter would like you to attend it, feel free to do so but don't feel obligated to do so. I am sure that you will have plenty of opportunities to spoil your first grandchild so it is okay if you don't attend every shower, especially the co-worker shower.
Q:
I have never been a fan of wedding or baby showers, they are all the same and boring. My Mother and Sister-in-law are throwing me a baby shower. It is not a surprise and I have helped with the guest list and picked a date. I have let them know some of my preferences and desires. My mother has her vision of a shower that includes many things I do not like or are not "me". She asked me the other day, "You would rather have cupcakes over a cake your mother made and decorated?" Manipulative question! Do I let my mother throw me the shower she wants to do regardless of whether it is to my desires? Is there a way for me to express my desires without starting world war three? Yours truly, Shower hater
A:
Thank you for contacting www.baby-shower.com with you question and congratulations on your pregnancy. I understand how you feel about your baby shower and I have known lots of women that don't like showers. It is not all that unusual.
In regards to you questions, first, I would say that you should choose your battles. Are you going to fight your mother on a shower or are there other things that are better suited to a fight? Trust me, you will have moments after baby arrives that you will need to put your foot down so why not conserve your energy and just let the shower go through. Let it be her way to celebrate becoming a grandmother.
That being said, I think that you should express some of your desires for the shower. If you have been invited into the whole planning, there is nothing wrong with suggesting color and food choices, although I wouldn't make it into a fight. Ignore questions that are manipulative and just state preferences. Be short and sweet to the point. If you don’t want a traditional shower, say something like, "Well, baby is definitely one of a kind so I want the shower for her (him) to be one of a kind. Less traditional planning ideas would be my preference.”
Be prepared for some things that are more traditional or more suited to the hostess’ preference but the best advice I can give you is to sit back and relax. Think of a shower as an afternoon where you can relax, eat a bit of good food and have some great conversations with important people in your life.
Q:
Can a mum plan her baby shower or does a friend have to plan it?
A:
Generally, etiquette
dictates that a friend or family member of the mom-to-be should plan the baby shower but
more and more people live further from their families and are unable to have family plan
the shower. For this reason, some moms are taking the initiative but it still leaves for
a debatable subject.
I would recommend having a friend officially plan it, but if you want to pitch in with ideas or
other things, by all means, do so.
Q:
What should I do if I have planned a baby shower for my daughter's best friend but no one is planning to attend?
A:
That is an excellent question and I have been faced with this dilemma myself for one shower, a thousand things happened and people had to cancel the same day as the shower. What I would recommend doing is to change the format of the shower if you can? Instead of having a baby shower, make it a nice evening for everyone. Invite spouses of anyone who can come and tell them not to worry about the presents if it is last minute. Bumping it up to a couple's shower is something that may garner a bit more interest in your guest list.
If you still have time to cancel the shower, do so. Instead, ask your daughter if there is a group of girl's who wouldn't mind going out for a girl's day out. At that point, book a day at the spa for mani/pedi's and enjoy yourself with the mother to be. Don't bring up that it was supposed to be a shower, unless she already knows, and tell her it is simply a pamper mom day.
For anyone that can't attend the shower, ask them if they would like to send a card to let the mom-to-be know that she was in their thoughts on her special day. It is awkward but finding a different way to celebrate the day is worth it when you see the smiles on the mom to be's face.
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